Story 2: What is Wrong With Men?

Charlie Mintz: Welcome back to State of the Human. It's the radio show of the Stanford Storytelling Project. I'm Charlie Mintz.

Our first story, What is Wrong with Men?

Professor John Krumboltz, after he realized he couldn't be a baseball player or a doctor, eventually ended up as a teacher and a counselor and a mediator.

And this story is about some counseling he had to give a student one day.

Her problem, and I think it's one we've all had, was that she kept doing the same thing and expecting things to turn out differently.

This story is about how Professor Krumboltz shook her out of that and got her to try something new.

Let me tell you a story.

I was in my office working.

It was on a Tuesday afternoon, and it was about 10 minutes after two, on a Tuesday afternoon.

I had a faculty meeting that I had to get to.

I was preparing for this faculty meeting at 2.30.

Then there was a knock on the door.

So I go to the door and open up, and here's this drop dead gorgeous woman.

She introduced herself as a graduate student at Stanford.

She said, I heard that you were a good counselor, and I want to just ask you one question.

I said, well, listen, we have a counseling service here at Stanford over in the health center.

My job is really not to do the counseling with students at Stanford.

She says, I just want to ask you one question.

I said, well, the other thing that you should know is that at 2.30 I have another meeting I have to get to, so I don't have very much time.

She says, I just want to ask you one question.

Well, okay, come on in.

So she came in, she sat down right in this chair, and I said, look, our time is short.

Why don't you just tell me the question you want to ask me?

So she says, what is wrong with men?

And I said, well, I don't know.

But it sounds to me as if you may have had some difficulty with one of them.

And she said, one of them?

No, all of them.

They are all, all berserk.

They're all crazy.

They're all terrible.

So my question is, what is wrong with men?

And so I said, well, would you be willing to tell me maybe a little story about something that's happened that would explain to me a little bit more about your situation?

She says, well, okay.

She says, you know, about a month ago or so, I met some guy and he seemed like a fairly nice guy and he asked me for my phone number and so I gave it to him.

And then the next Monday, he gave me a telephone call and invited me to go out to dinner with him on Saturday night.

And so I said, well, sure, okay, I'll go out with you.

And so he came and picked me up and took me out to a really elegant restaurant.

We had a wonderful meal and had a great conversation together and he brought me home.

The next Monday, he called me a second time.

Same thing.

Third week, same thing again.

Same picture, you know, telephone call.

Oh, and he would bring me flowers each time.

He brought me a bouquet of flowers three different times, took me out, dined me and he brought me home and then he said to me, now I want to have sex with you.

And I said to him, well, I need to tell you my policy.

My policy is that the first time I have sex with any man will be after I have married him.

And then he became very angry at me and he just yelled at me and said, how dare you treat me like that.

I have wasted $300 on you and I have gotten nothing in return and I am so angry at you.

And he stomped off and he has not called me since.

And so my question to you, Dr.

Krumboltz, is what is wrong with men?

And I said, well, I think I understand why you are upset and I don't know what is wrong with men, but so I have a different question I want to ask you, which is what could you do to prevent this kind of event from happening to you again?

And she says, I don't know what you're talking about.

So I said, well, maybe if I give you an example of what I mean by something you could do.

For example, instead of waiting until after the third date to tell a man your policy, you could, when you are first invited out, say to him, before I tell you whether I will accept or decline your invitation, let me tell you my policy.

Silence from this woman, silence.

And I said, well, okay, now here's another example.

You could say, if you're invited out, you could say, well, I will accept your invitation, but only if you and I agree in advance that we will split the expenses 50-50.

Silence, didn't say a word.

I looked at my watch again, it's 2.29.

I'm thinking, well, one more idea.

You could go talk to some of your girlfriends.

Maybe some of them have had experiences similar to yours and they would know how they handled it and maybe they'd have some good ideas to give you some ideas of what you could do.

Silence, it's 2.30.

I said, listen, I have to run now to another meeting, but here's my card, I gave her my business card and I said, if you'd like to talk about this some more, my email address, my phone number here, let me know and I'll be glad to talk to you again.

She took my card, left without saying a word.

She didn't say goodbye, she didn't say thanks, she didn't say anything.

Well, I thought, my gosh, I have really goofed on this case.

See, and my whole principle in counseling and mediation and everything is you've got to get people taking action, see?

I was trying to get her, instead of trying, I mean, she was trying to lay the blame on men, see?

And I was trying to get her to take action to prevent this from happening.

Well, six months went by, and one day, I got a card in the mail, and it was, she had written a note.

She said, dear Dr.

Krumboltz, I just want to thank you so profoundly for all the help you gave me on that day when I came to see you unexpectedly.

You can't, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate what you did for me.

And then I turned the card over on the back side, and stapled to the back side of her card was an invitation to her wedding.

And I thought, hmm, maybe I didn't do such a bad job after all.

And so my whole practice of counseling is, how do you get people to take action that will enable them?

You may not know whether the action will work or not, see?

And you also have to accept mistakes, see?

So even though it may not work, see?

But okay, if that doesn't work, let's try something else.

So we're always trying something new that might work until we finally find something that does work.

So it's kind of like changing your mind.

It doesn't really happen in your mind.

It happens by doing things in the world.

Yes, by doing things in the world.

And then unexpected things happen as a result of doing things in the world.

And you learn from them.

And new opportunities creep up.

See, I would say to anybody who's listening, go out and try things new.

Try things you haven't done before.

And you say, well, but I might make a mistake.

Yes, you might make a mistake.

But so what?

Forget it.

Enjoy the experience and learn from what you do.

And you might meet some new people on the path and get to know them.

Talk to them.

Find out what they're doing.

The world is a gigantic mystery.

And it's fun to try to solve all the mysteries in this wonderful world we live in.